Scientific Expedition - Plans Laid
Carefully
Being of unsound mind, but moderately healthy
in wind and limb (certainly the former) the author
and a certain
Cpl. Prank Purcell, who shall be nameless, decided
after some discussion and several drinks to devote
their
energies to underwater photography and/or harpooning.
Designs for camera boxes were drawn up and shortly
thereafter two prototype boxes were produced. As expected,
they had a few inherent defects. For instance,
they were completely useless. A week later two more
were produced which worked well, but which were
not waterproof. Readers will be happy/disappointed*
to learn that tests were carried out without cameras
in
the boxes. Eventually two waterproof, workable boxes
were produced. Leave was applied for and ~ since it
appears that wholly ridiculous schemes are expected
of messrs Herbertson and Purcell, was granted. Plans
were formulated far into the night, the partners staying
awake until as late as 2100 hours, and provisions
were
laid on. Readers wishing to follow our example may
derive some benefit from a study of the following
list, which
is typical of a days requirements:-* Depends on what sort of twit you are. Delete to
taste.
1 boat with outboard engine.
1 bailing can (The boat was made by Herbertson and
Purcell).
2 sets of fins, masks and snorkels.
1 harpoon gun, and knife.
6o cigarettes (we get nervous).
1 X-ray photograph of Jayne Mansfield's rib cage,
facing South West (for navigational purposes).
1 Bottle of rare Leopard oil.
2 life size statues of Susanna York (one each!!)
I mahogany candle holder, with foot operated snuffer.
2 pairs of domestic knee protectors.
1 camera and box.
1 photo of Miss Amanda Dimplebaum (we love her).
1 penny (Just in case)
Triumph over Great Difficulties.
As can be seen, our requirements were rigidly
kept to a bare minimum, yet, even so, on one terrible
occasion, when negotiating mountainous seas some ten
yards off the coast of Hittada it was necessary
to jettison some of our equipment to minimise the
risk'- nay, certainty, of floundering, we reluctantly
tossed the camera overboard.
A typical days adventure can readily be visualised
by sensitive readers from a close perusal of the
following extracts from the author's diary, and the
log of the launch "TARI"
0615hrs Spring out of bed
0618 Get out to put the spring back
0900 Rise
0901 Fall. Resolve to lay off the rum and nautical
songs in the evening.
0920 Coffee.
0940 Coffee.
0050 Discuss day's programme, weather, Miss Amanda
Dimplebaum`s vital statistics.
1000 Load boat.
1010 Unload boat to enable it to float off seabed.
1013 Bailing.
1020 Push off from shore.
1022 Paddle back for engine.
1033 Push off from shore. Start engine. Stop engine.
Slip from moorings.
1034 At sea. Coast of Hankadu visible through hole
in Herbertson's trunks.
1105 Anchor dropped. Penny tossed to see who goes
diving for it, and fastens it to boat.
1110 Both diving.
1115 Both still diving. Penny still lost in bilges.
1118 Penny found. Democratic solution found to problem
of anchor: Herbertson pulls rank.
Purcell diving for anchor. Herbertson shouting encouragement.
Ignored.
1125 Anchor retrieved. At sea. Making 30 revs, 3 kts,
course 185degs Wind due South, current
southerly, 3 kts. Position: stationary.
1128 First mate Purcell ordered to belay reefing the
after spinnaker, and 'vast heaving on the
starboard binnacle.
1129 Mutiny. Discussion on meaning of order.
1131 Suitable deep spot selected and course changed
to 193deg.
1135 Aground off Hankadu. Decision taken to carry
out programme of shallow acclimatization diving.
Dropped anchor. Finished with main engine. Leave to
the starboard watch. Issue cheese to all hands.
1140 Herbertson and Purcell diving with camera and
harpoon respectively Successful photo's of various
sea creatures, amongst which:- six inch barracuda,
four inch shark, nine inch manta ray. Difficulty
encountered in operating camera in depths of more
than ten inches of water, aggravated by harpoon in
left buttock.
1205 At sea. Course set for Hittadu. Purcell at the
helm, Herbertson at The Leopard oil.
1230 Reached harbour. Moored, Decision taken to conserve
energy for the next day by allowing
short rest period in the afternoon from 1300 to 1715
hours.
There you are then. Its hard, of course, and you
must be fit to carry out such a programme, but it's
worth it. Have a go.
FOR SALE Large quantity of colour slides of Hankadu
Beach, at distances varying from 6 to 9 inches.
Very interesting. Reasonable. Contact Herbertson and
Purcell, Hittadu any time from
1800 to 1830 daily.
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